tv The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon NBC December 10, 2014 11:34pm-12:37am PST
>> good evening, i'm jeff ranieri. tracking the weather moving into the bay area. a heavier zone of ran offshore. north bay. put a track on that. right through petaluma by 12:10. as far as the rain go. we are looking at the heaviest pocket in the north bay tomorrow morning. wind gusty for the entire region. and likely rain continuing throughout the evening with the possibility of thunderstorms. dry weather this weeken. >> jeff, thank you. programming note for you -- special edition of the morning show, today in the bay, 4:00 a.m. starting the evening newscast early at 4:00 p.m. tomorrow. stay safe. stay dry. >> bye-bye. >> steve: from studio 6b in rockefeller center in the heart of new york city, it's "the tonight show starring jimmy fallon." tonight, join jimmy and his guests --
mark wahlberg, kevin nealon, and featuring the legendary roots crew. >> questlove: 177! >> steve: and now, here he is, jimmy fallon! ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh! that's what i'm talking about right there. looking good! [ cheers and applause ] that's a crowd right there. welcome to the "tonight show," everybody. thank you very much. hot show. thank you very much.
it's going to be a good show, you guys. first, here's what everyone's talking about. i saw that "time" magazine has named ebola fighters the 2014 person of the year. the ebola fighters say they were honored to be chosen and look forward to the ceremony. then "time" said, "oh, no. we'll just mail them to you." [ laughter and applause ] you don't have to come. this is interesting here. yesterday, facebook revealed that ebola was the most popular facebook topic in the u.s. this year. with the world cup coming in sixth. so, welcome to america -- where even ebola is more popular than soccer. [ laughter ] we just don't get it. we don't get soccer. [ applause ] of course, the big news out of washington is this report on cia interrogation techniques. today, president obama was talking about the report and praised our country's ability to quote "face our imperfections, make changes and do better." sounds less like a speech on torture and more like the comments on a kindergartner's
report card. timmy plays well with others, but needs to water board less. [ laughter and applause ] nothing but trouble for obama these days. in fact according to a new poll, 55% of americans think republicans focus more on pushing obama's buttons than actually pursuing their agenda. then republicans said, "not true. pushing his buttons is our agenda." so, i mean, that's what we're doing. [ cheers and applause ] we're good at it. that's right. people think republicans focus too much on pushing obama's buttons. incidentally, pushing obama's buttons is also the reason why biden isn't allowed in the oval office anymore. "what's that red one do?" "oh, that was madagascar." [ laughter ] this is kind of cool though actually. i saw that president obama recently sat for a 3d portrait in the white house. it was like a group of like these technicians set up a a highly advanced photo capture device to create a finely detailed 3d image of the president.
it's -- i'm not sure it came out the way they planned, but check this out. >> in about one second as he holds his presidential pose, he'll be illuminated by 10 different lighting conditions. which will give us everything that we need to understand the shape of his face and how it transforms into illumination into the images that we see of him. it's the highest resolution digital model that's ever been used. >> jimmy: yeah, i don't think. that's not -- i mean, that's just -- >> steve: that doesn't look good at all. >> jimmy: it's not quite there yet. technology is not quite there yet. >> steve: almost. >> jimmy: very close. >> steve: almost there. >> jimmy: very close to him. [ laughter and applause ] guys, some more political news here. i read that many republicans think that the fact that chris christie is still standing strong after his bridgegate scandal could make him an even better presidential candidate in 2016. that's not surprising. i mean, everyone knows weebles wobble, but they do not fall down. >> steve: no. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: he's going to kill me. i don't know why we do it all the time.
one day, he's just going to punch me right in the face. >> steve: yeah, right in the face. it might be a presidential punch. you never know. >> jimmy: i know, yeah. yeah, the president punched me, you know. during a recent interview jeb bush's brother, neal said that their mother has come around to the idea of jeb running for president in 2016. so, if there's anything that says you're qualified to be president, it's your own mom going, "i guess you could do it. i guess?" [ laughter ] >> jimmy: did you see this yet? a woman actually gave birth in the middle of a southwest airlines flight yesterday. and the pilots had to make an emergency landing. and apparently no one saw it coming. take a look. watch this. >> who was sitting near the pregnant woman said they had no idea what happened. >> that's when i heard a baby crying and i'm like, "there's no babies on this flight." >> and a lady stood up and said she just had a baby. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: kids, if you look to the right side of the aisle, you'll see something you can't unsee. [ laughter and applause ]
wow. that's what they do? in flight entertainment. >> steve: should i pull on that cord and i get oxygen? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: here's some tv news here. the contests for the next season of "the bachelor" were announced. and some of their jobs include -- this is real. sports fishing enthusiast and cadaver tissue saleswoman. [ audience oohs ] even linkedin was like, "sorry, that sounds too made up. that doesn't sound like a real occupation." [ laughter ] this isn't good here. i saw some researchers are claiming that due to climate change, the population of reindeer is rapidly declining. [ audience aws ] of course, the person this hurts the most is santa. now, he's like, "on dasher, on dancer, on prancer and uber." [ laughter and applause ] nose not shiny enough. three out of five stars. sorry. sorry not sorry. [ laughter ]
here's some good news. according to a new survey, the amount of job openings in the u.s. hit its highest rate in almost 13 years this october. most common -- most common position? sports fishing enthusiast and cadaver tissue saleswoman. [ cheers and applause ] it's a job. >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: cadaver tissue saleswoman. >> steve: i use my sample kit. >> jimmy: wow, wow, wow. oh man, this made me laugh. if you've ever been golfing you probably know exactly how this feels. watch what happens when this two-year-old kid tries to tap in a routine putt and well, it doesn't quite go his way. >> no! [ crying ] yeah, yeah. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that is such a shame. [ cheers and applause ]
then, the other two-year-olds are like, "do you mind if we play through? this is a little ridiculous." [ laughter ] and finally, with the holidays coming up, we're all trying to eat healthier. so, you might want to listen to this. cheerios is releasing a new ancient grains cereal next year. which will be made with quinoa, kamut, wheat and spelt. the first cereal where the prize at the bottom of the box is the bottom of the box. [ laughter ] thanks god, it's over. that was exhausting. we have a great show, guys. give it up for the roots! ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you very much, everybody. i'm so happy. it's been a great week so far. there's more ahead. tomorrow night, dwayne johnson and barbara walters will be here. [ cheers and applause ]
then on friday, from "the hobbit" the hobbit himself. martin freeman will be joining us. >> steve: yes. >> jimmy: he's a good man. [ cheers and applause ] we're going to go head to head in a fun holiday game. you don't want to miss that. but first, we have a great show tonight. from the new movie "the gambler," mark wahlberg is here tonight. [ cheers and applause ] they love him. we love him. he's a good guy. he's -- mark and i are playing a brand new game tonight. it involves a bit of gambling and a little bit of slapping. it's called slapjack. so, you want to stay tuned for that. it's a brand new game. every kid is going to be out there doing it. slapjack. [ cheers and applause ] plus, one of our favorite "saturday night live" alums, the very funny kevin nealon is dropping by. [ cheers and applause ] i mean, talk about funny. >> steve: he's funny. he's nice. >> jimmy: we're going to talk to him and also he's going to do stand-up for us. it's going to be awesome. that will be great. i love kevin nealon. >> steve: i love kevin nealon. >> jimmy: guys, we have exactly 10 shows left before we go on
christmas break. which means it's time for a new "tonight show" tradition. it's time for 12 days of christmas sweaters. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ 12 days of christmas sweaters 10 days left ♪ >> jimmy: that's right. every show between now and christmas, we're giving one lucky audience member a snazzy christmas sweater from the countdown to christmas cabinet. since there are 10 shows left, let's open door number 10. oh! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] that's a nice one here. yeah. very nice. subtle, subtle. beautiful sweater. let's see who's going home with tonight's sweater. everyone look at your seat number. [ cheers ] if i call your number, i need
to you jump up and let me know where you are and then you can you get this great sweater. quest, can i get a drum roll please? [ drum roll ] who wants this sweater? oh, yeah! [ cheers ] 289! ♪ who got it? right there? hey, hey, there you go! ♪ ho ho, ho! hey, come on over! come on. how are you? >> i'm great. >> jimmy: fantastic. what do you think? >> oh, i love it. >> jimmy: yeah? what is your name? >> ann slate. >> jimmy: ann. where are you from, ann? >> san luis obispo, california. >> jimmy: oh, very good. hey. [ cheers and applause ] it gets chilly at nighttime. >> very chilly. >> jimmy: very chilly at nighttime. just, yeah, put it up to your face. let's see what it looks like on there. oh, it looks beautiful. oh, gorgeous. that's going to be fantastic. congratulations. happy holidays. good to see you. come on, how great is that? [ cheers and applause ] we'll be right back with more of "the tonight show," everybody. come on back.
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movie called "the gambler." which is in theaters everywhere december 25th. ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, mark wahlberg! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: they love you! we love you! welcome. >> how are you? >> jimmy: thank you. thank you for being here. there he is right there. [ cheers and applause ] >> how are you holding up? >> jimmy: ah. >> congratulations, by the way, on little frannie. >> jimmy: oh, thank you. she's the cutest little thing. yeah, babies are fun. >> best thing ever, right? >> jimmy: exhausting, yeah. [ laughter ] but it's great. i mean, we just stare at her and just -- she just -- that's all really you can do is just stare at them. [ laughter ] the baby is like, "get a life. i mean, just like, do something else." yeah. i mean, you should know. you have four. >> yeah, try four on for size. >> jimmy: really, yeah. four kids. >> and now, now, obviously, too, they're are getting older. so my daughter, she's 11. she's going through the whole
pre-teen phase which is -- >> jimmy: oh, no. that's what -- >> so, this is a good year. >> jimmy: this is the good years right here, yeah. >> she hasn't told you that she hates you yet, has she? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: no. no. is that, that's what i have to expect? yeah. >> when you get home, you know, "what did you bring me? you didn't bring me anything? oh, i hate you." [ laughter ] you don't want to deal with that. >> jimmy: all right, that's a a good note. i don't want that. yeah, no. 11, that's tough. but do, do you embarrass your kids 'cause that's normally what they do. like, "dad!" >> yeah, i don't intentionally embarrass them but, you know. i mean, like, when i take my kids to school, i want to give them a nice hug and a kiss on the playground before they go to school. even my four -- literally my four-year-old bolts. she's gone. i'm like, "i love you." everybody else turns around, looks at me weird. [ laughter ] but i don't care, i'll keep yelling it and screaming it. i demand a kiss from all of them. >> jimmy: good. sometimes you have to do that, yeah. are -- any of these kids want to get into acting or no? >> my daughter, my oldest daughter really has the bug. she actually, they did a little bit part in "transformers." which, you know, if you blink, you miss 'em. but i told her no, no movies
until she graduates. i'm trying to discourage them from going into this business. 'cause you know, it's a tough racket. but they're going to do what they want to do. she's been doing a lot of school plays and she's in yatta, so she's done about ten musicals. >> jimmy: really? >> yeah. she does. >> jimmy: did you do plays growing up? >> i did one. you tryna -- >> jimmy: what? >> -- test my acting credibility? >> jimmy: no, no. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: trust me. i know you're a legitimate actor. >> people always tell me all the time that i'm not like this classically trained actor. >> jimmy: oh, no, no, no. >> royal shakespearean academy. but i did -- i did -- [ laughter ] i did "willy wonka and the chocolate factory." i played an oompa loompa in elementary school. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's what i'm talking about! i try to get down to the real nitty gritty. that's what we wanted to know! [ cheers and applause ] about the oompa loompa. wait. you were an oompa loompa? >> i was an oompa loompa. >> jimmy: that's good! >> i had a monologue, too. i don't remember it. you would think i'd remember it the way i obsess over learning my lines. my biggest fear is not being prepared. >> jimmy: yeah. >> but, no. all i remember is the -- ♪ oompa loompa doo-pa-dee-doo ♪ [ laughter ]
we had the song but i had one monologue. >> jimmy: you had the makeup? were you like orange and -- >> not at that -- it was a public school in boston. we didn't have much of anything. [ laughter ] you basically you're wearing your brother, your brother's jacket if he was still asleep when i went to school. or i'd take his sneakers that were three sizes too big. >> jimmy: that's the way to do it. but now, look here. you go from oompa loompa to now doing -- you're a big giant movie star. "the gambler," comes out, is it christmas day? >> christmas day, wide, yeah. >> jimmy: you produced this one as well. i mean, you do, you do a lot of stuff. >> yeah and i'm remaking one of my all-time favorite actor's movies which -- he and i are friends. jimmy caan? >> jimmy: yeah. >> who starred in the original. >> jimmy: i would be afraid of james caan. >> he is one of the few guys, like, a lot of these guys who play gangsters in movies they're from like, the royal shakespearean academy. >> jimmy: yeah. >> you know, they're all like, lee strasberg school of acting. so, they're not really gangsters but jimmy caan is a a guy from queens. he's a real neighborhood guy. >> jimmy: he's a wise guy. >> i don't want to say he's a a wise guy, but he's a real guy. and you know, he kinda took me under his wing the first time
we did a movie. so, i told him that i was remake this movie. and he said, "yeah you know, i got his blessing. movie, i wanted to show him the movie. he came over to my house and oddly enough, i have a picture of him on my wall right next to jimmy cagney. i have one of john garfield and one of steve mcqueen. and he said, "did you just put that up there because i was coming over?" [ laughter ] and i said, "no." but i wanted to make it special for him. so, he came over and i had dinner and offered him a drink. and i said, "what do you want to drink?" and i made sure i had all the stuff because i don't know what he drank. and he says, "i'll have a a vodka." i said, "what do you want?" then he goes, "a [ bleep ] quail sandwich. i just want vodka." [ laughter ] he was like -- >> jimmy: you're like, okay, all right. it's james caan. just give it to him, man. >> yeah, that broke the ice. >> jimmy: don't mess with that guy. >> he had a couple vodkas and we saw, i showed him the movie and he actually loved it. you know, we tried to make our own version of the movie. it's inspired by the original. >> jimmy: right, yeah. >> but it's different. you know, the original, it was all about the gambling and the thrill of gambling and the -- you know, the unknown of whether you're going to lose or not. and for my character in this movie, it wasn't about that. he was just using that as a a tool to strip himself of anything material-wise so he
could start over. if he was successful at getting away fr gangsters. and we got some amazing actors in >> jimmy: ye >> with john goodman, michael kenneth williams >> brie lars >> yeah, brie larsen. fantastic. >> jimmy: i love her, yeah. do you know much about gambling? are you a gambler? >> i'm not. i'm not. >> jimmy: me neither. >> i mean, my dad was -- was not a good gambler. the one thing he did, he won $1500 which bought us a down payment on the one house that we actually owned for a short amount of time. >> jimmy: yeah. >> but, no, he was not a good gambler. so, that was one of the reasons why. >> jimmy: that's a good lesson to learn not to gamble. >> but i did gamble in preparing for the movie. >> jimmy: yeah. would you go to like just casinos and just -- >> yeah, i went to macau. i went to the mecca of gambling which is very different from vegas and atlantic city. you know in vegas and atlantic city, they're getting everybody drunk so they can take advantage of you. in macau, these are like really serious gamblers. so, i had a bunch of friends that i was with, some wealthy businessmen from hong kong and i convinced them to give me all the cash that they had in their pockets. [ laughter ] so, we're at the wynn casino sitting there with the owner of the casinio. and i -- >> jimmy: this sounds like a a bad idea already. >> we're playing blackjack. i get an ace, i get another ace, i split the i get a third ace and then i
proceed to get king, queen, jack. i had a blackjack three times. [ applause ] needless to say, i won a lot of money. and like my character in the movie, i took every chip off the table, walked right over to the roulette wheel, put it all on black and lost everything. [ laughter ] and i was thrilled. i was like, "oh, my god. it plays out just like the movie." and these guys were like, "what did you just do?" >> jimmy: you lost all of our money, yeah. [ laughter ] >> $45,000 in cash. >> jimmy: i remember i went to a casino with my parents. i brought them to this casino. my mom, my dad and i. i would put the coins in and he would pull the lever. and then we would split if we won. we played like wheel of fortune. it was actually slot machine and we won like -- i want to say $200. and we flipped out. [ laughter ] we were like, "oh, my god." my mom was sleeping, so we were like, "wait until she finds out we won $200! you're the man! i love you! all right. see you tomorrow." the cover of the "new york post" is, "j. lo's mom plays wheel of fortune slot machine." won like $2 million or something like that. [ laughter ] we were flipping out over $200, going crazy. i'm like, "i'm not a good gambler at all." >> but was your dad able to walk away with the winnings or did you -- >> jimmy: i forced him to. >> you went to bed. >> jimmy: i forced him to.
>> and he lost everything. >> jimmy: no, no. we ended up probably spending it on something else, like, probably breakfast. i mean, we're not good gamblers. the fallons aren't good, no. [ laughter ] >> well, at least he was able to walk away. that's the tough part for most people. they don't know when to walk away. >> jimmy: it's crazy. jimmy: but i mean, when you get to that high-stakes gambling, that's -- >> yeah. >> jimmy: it's like -- >> i've seen some really -- while preparing for the movie, i saw some really high-stake games and i literally saw guys flipping a coin for $5 million. but these are guys who get together and they basically, they're all billionaires and they basically they'll give you $25 million and the next week you'll give it back. they just go back and forth. >> jimmy: holy mackerel. >> they don't know what else to do with it. >> jimmy: i couldn't even -- it's not fun. >> there's many good causes that they could give it to. >> jimmy: just hearing that stuff freaks me out. oh, my god. [ laughter ] i don't even want to be in the room for that coin-flip. >> i wasn't playing that's for sure. >> jimmy: yeah. well, you do a great job in this movie. i want to show everyone a clip. here's mark wahlberg in "the gambler." take a look at this. >> you know who does ride at
the highest level? when most of us, and even i, even i, write barely adequately. you know who it is? don't give me that look. no, no, no, no, no. it isn't the one who talks the most. you're an npr host tops, okay? [ laughter ] the literary person in here is miss phillips. she is better at writing than our u.s. presently amateur #2 is at tennis. yet, she chooses to hide or just blend in with the rest of you. why? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: aww, that's what i'm talking about. december 25th. "the gambler." more with mark wahlberg when we get back, you guys. come on. we're going to do a little gambling. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ come on! wait for me! there it is. ah! hurry up. you're heavy. are you sure these letters will get to santa? yes, of course. hold still. almost there. a little bit higher. i can't hold you up much longer. ah! whoa! [ all giggle ]
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: everybody, i'm back with mark wahlberg. his new movie, "the gambler," is in theaters everywhere december 25th. now in the movie, mark's character plays a lot of blackjack and of course he's also a tough guy. we decided to try a new game called -- >> he's a teacher, he's not a a tough guy.
>> jimmy: well he's a teacher, but then -- >> all he does is get beat up. >> jimmy: well he gets -- it's a shady scene. >> you want to give me more punishment, that's okay. [ laughter ] sorry to interrupt. >> jimmy: no problem. >> i apologize. >> jimmy: the new game -- maybe in the sequel he''ll be more of a tough guy. [ laughter ] the new game is called slapjack. it works the same as blackjack, but at the end of each round the winner of each round the winner gets to slap the loser across the face with a giant prosthetic hand. [ laughter ] >> you should have told me, i would have brought my prosthetic penis from "boogie nights." [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: i don't want to get slapped with a -- >> i could have. just slapped you in the head with that thing. >> jimmy: no, no, please, i can't even. i can't even see those memes online. [ laughter ] thank you, though. thanks for thinking about that. no problem. [ laughter ] >> prosthetic. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: first to win three rounds, is the winner. we'll keep score on screen. we'll take turns dealing. mark as our guest you're gonna deal first, two cards each. loser gets slapped. >> do i deal to myself first or you first? >> jimmy: me first. >> i think these cards are rigged here. >> jimmy: all right. then you first if you want to.
>> oh yeah, i get a five. this is good. six. all right. want a hit? >> jimmy: i want a hit. >> yeah. >> jimmy: i don't want a slap. >> ooh. >> jimmy: you got to hit me again. >> are you sure? i'm showing a five here, you're looking pretty good right now. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you're like a a professional gambler now. i don't know what to believe, you just want to slap me in the face. >> i'm not ben affleck, i'm not counting cards. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's his talent. it just happens to be. i think hit me. no, i think -- [ audience ohs ] what does it mean? i'm way over, right? i lost. >> you got to go back to math class. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: well, go ahead. hit me. [ slap ] [ cheers and applause ] >> was that bad? [ applause ] >> jimmy: you slapped me, but
then you pushed it it. you almost hit me twice on that one, yeah. [ laughter ] >> look at that smile. >> jimmy: ready? one for you, one for me. >> well that's not looking good. >> jimmy: one for you, one for me. >> oh gosh. >> jimmy: well you can put yours over. so we can see what you got. >> that's not how you play the game, but we can do that. it's your show. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: thirteen. that's pretty good. >> give me the eight. give me the eight, baby. [ audience aws ] >> jimmy: doing so good. >> give it to me. >> jimmy: thank you so much for coming on the show. [ laughter ] >> my pleasure. [ slap ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: what did you have, anyway? sorry got to fix your hair a a little. >> oh, thank you. >> jimmy: i had a four. >> i definitely should have brought the penis. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: if i had a nickel for every time somebody said that. [ laughter ]
>> hey i have a feeling. >> jimmy: i'm sorry. >> oh man. >> jimmy: this is good. >> ooh, that's good. oh yeah. >> jimmy: 14, i guess hit me. don't hit me. >> oh, well? [ audience aws ] ready? >> jimmy: go for it. [ slap ] [ cheers and applause ] >> you okay? >> jimmy: oh my gosh! >> your hair -- >> jimmy: oh my gosh, that was a good one, man. >> he wanted to hit back. [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: all right. what's the score, 2-1, if you win again, you win the whole thing. here we go. >> i like all your games. [ laughter ] seriously whether you lose or not i like 'em. you're supposed to flip your card. >> jimmy: i'm sorry. >> oy-yoi-yoi. i'm going to ask for a hit
here. >> jimmy: show us what you got. >> why not. >> jimmy: very good. 13. >> hmmm. >> jimmy: whoa! [ cheers and applause ] >> do you want me to switch this to my left hand? >> jimmy: let me just get this out of the way. [ audience ohs ] well, well. you won buddy. >> all right both of us, same time. >> jimmy: double slap? >> yeah. it's only fair. >> jimmy: all right, here's a a double slap. but then you can backhand me as well. [ laughter ] >> oh gosh. ready? >> jimmy: one, two, three. [ slap ] [ slap ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thanks to mark wahlberg! [ cheers and applause ] go see "the gambler" in
theaters december 25th, kevin nealon joins us after the break. stick around everybody. high five! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪ come in and use your starbucks gift card any day through january 5th for a chance to win starbucks for life. that's all i crave.e that's where this comes in. only nicorette gum has patented dual-coated technology for great taste. plus nicorette gum gives you intense craving relief.
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>> jimmy: our next guest is a a hilarious "saturday night live" alum and stand-up comedian. he hosts the aol web series, "laugh lessons with kevin nealon." you can see him live this thursday through saturday at caroline's on broadway, a great comedy club. please welcome, the very funny, kevin nealon! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> i know. i know. believe me, i know. i get it. i get it. thank you. good to see you, too. thank you very much. [ cheers and applause ] what a crowd. what a crowd. well, i am -- i got to tell you, i'm very excited to be here. i've had a great week. i just got an electric car. [ cheers ] sweet. it is sweet. it's in the shop now. we're having a gas engine put in it, but i love it. [ laughter ] oh, it is the best. it's so unique, you know? i just missed gassing up my
car. and you know, petroleum now, gas prices are coming down so much and -- they'll go back up again. it's all confusing. and i don't get it because i was in the pharmacy a couple days ago. i saw that petroleum jelly has not gone up one cent. [ laughter ] too bad our cars can't run on petroleum jelly. that would be pretty cool. it would be hard to get it in there, though. but you'll get it in there. [ laughter ] you'll work it in there. you'll work it in. you do what you gotta do. [ laughter and applause ] you know what i'm saying? but i'm telling you this thing is a babe magnet. which i don't need because i've been married for the last 13 years, but -- [ cheers ] i still like to look, though, i'll tell you that. i'll be honest with you. i got a wandering eye. but luckily, my other eye is a a lazy eye. [ laughter ] so, it's a push. they cancel each other out. the wandering eye is like, "hey baby, why don't you come back to my place and have a little drink?" and then the lazy eye comes around, "oh, this looks like a a lot of work.
let's just have a cookie, huh?" [ laughter ] somebody asked me last week what my best pick-up line was. and you know, like i said, i've been married for the last 13 years. so, my best pick-up line is, "hey, are you awake?" [ laughter and applause ] right? anyway, so you guys have been following me on twitter or on amber alert? those two things right there. [ laughter and applause ] my twitter is @kevinnealon and my amber alert is a blue el camino with nevada license plates. [ laughter ] so, anyway, this year i've decided i would like to take more risks in life. and by risks, i'm talking about trying new restaurants. there is a restaurant in my neighborhood, a korean restaurant. and i've been going by this place for the last six years. i never tried it. and two weeks ago i said, you know what, i'm going to give it a shot. and i did and guess what? horrible, horrible food. [ laughter ] i think it's a nail salon during the day or something.
i don't know. [ laughter ] but not good. not good. but you know what? i'm trying new foods. i have a friend that doesn't try new foods. he eats the same foods every day pretty much. i don't think he's ever had italian food. god, i mean, he thinks he can't get a disease if he hasn't heard of it. [ laughter ] sometimes when we're in an argument and i'm angry at him, i'll just start yelling out rare diseases. like, "diverticulitis, chondramalacia!" [ laughter ] and if i can't think of a rare disease, i'll yell out an italian dish. you know, he doesn't know. "penne al arrabiata!" [ laughter ] he thinks it's a rare disease. "bruschetta!" he's confined to his house right now with a deadly fusilli bolognese. [ laughter and applause ] i'm not kidding around. he called his doctor. he said, "what should i do for a fusili bolognase?" doctor said, "just boil some water, throw it in there." [ laughter ] but you know what? everyone's got their own fears. we all have our own fears. mine for a long time -- and it doesn't have to be
rational. mine was sharks for a long time. but no more. now? chimpanzees. [ laughter ] have you read about these chimpanzee attacks? they rip your face off. they go for the crotch. i'm not talking about the cute little chimpanzee with the sweater vests and the suspenders. that's larry king. i'm talking -- no, no. [ laughter and applause ] no, no. i'm talking about the big, strength of four grown men chimpanzees. four grown men. that's the number they come up with all the time. four grown men. they must have done a study at one point to figure that out. they start with one grown man. you know, get in the cage with that chimp. let's see who's stronger. [ laughter ] oh, no, no, two! two grown men, two grown men! three, three, three! [ laughter and applause ] until they get to four. it cost six lives, that study. but it's worth it. they got their answer. it's four. [ laughter ] but at least with a shark attack, there's no drama. you know, it just pulls you
down. there's no mess. you're like, "hey --" you're gone. [ laughter ] your friends don't even know it. they're like on the beach, you know, where's kevin? "i think he's at the snack bar. throw me the frisbee." [ laughter ] but, with the chimpanzee attacks, can you imagine the horror? [ laughter ] it probably sneaks up behind you. like on one of those little tricycles. [ laughter and applause ] and i'm telling you, the last minute, that horn on the handlebar? [ honk sound ] you turn around -- face and crotch! they get your jaw, so that you can't fight them. that's what they do and then they go for the crotch. [ laughter ] but seriously. who wants to have sex at this point? not me. because like i said, i've been married for the last 13 years. [ laughter and applause ] thank you very much. thank you. i appreciate it. thank you. [ cheers and applause ]
♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back, everybody, we're hanging out with kevin nealon. thank you very much for doing the -- >> thank you very much everybody. >> jimmy: stand-up. >> first of all. >> jimmy: yeah. >> congratulations to you, entertainer of the year. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] yeah. >> jimmy: yeah, no, i -- >> and -- >> jimmy: yeah, no. >> you had a baby, too. >> jimmy: had a baby. that's more. >> yeah. >> jimmy: the baby. yeah. that's the big thing. >> hypothetically. >> jimmy: yeah. >> if you had to make a choice between the baby and the -- entertainer of the year award? which one would you choose? >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, yeah. don't put me on the spot. yeah, yeah, yeah. let me think about. >> i think i know. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, yeah. [ laughter ] dude, you're the best. how are you doing? so you're at caroline's this
weekend? >> i'm a caroline's. it's a beautiful club. >> jimmy: i love that. >> yeah. it's got a lot of history to it. it's right in the heart of new york city. >> jimmy: yeah. well do you -- i mean you were here for "saturday night live." >> yeah. >> jimmy: but you live in l.a.? >> i live in los angeles now. >> jimmy: do you miss new york city? >> um, i miss it enough to come back once in a while and you know, see you. >> jimmy: yeah. >> and then go home and have the nice weather. >> jimmy: yeah. >> because i've been golfing a a little bit. you know, i'm not a good golfer but i tend to golf in these big tournaments that are televised. >> jimmy: i think i've seen you on television, yeah. >> yeah. i'm on one every summer in lake tahoe. it's called the american champion -- the american celebrity -- the american century celebrity championship. >> jimmy: yes. that's correct. >> i never pay attention to the titles. >> jimmy: you don't have to. >> no. i'm looking for my ball. >> jimmy: yeah, exactly. >> so anyway, but people think you're good on there because it's televised and there's cameras everywhere and there's a lot of athletes, you know, playing in it. professional athletes, hockey players, football players. >> jimmy: they get everyone to do it. >> they got everybody.
>> jimmy: jordan does it. >> yeah, me. >> jimmy: yeah. [ laughter ] >> so you know, you going to tee off, and they're all leaning in to watch you hit because they think you're a a professional. >> jimmy: yeah. >> and they leave about this much space for the ball t through. and i have to tell them, i say, i'm not a good, i'm not good. i'm going to hit you. >> jimmy: i'm so goin you, yeah. >> i'm going to hit you. >> jimmy: i'm a comedian, yeah. >> so anyway, we're on the 18th hole, and it's beaut it's right along the lake, lake tahoe, and i hit the ball really well for some reason i connected with it and it went 200 in the air but it curved and went out to the beach where all the spectators were. and i yelled "fore" as loud as i could. >> jimmy: sure. >> and i knew -- and everybody covered up except for one woman and i hit -- she was enjoying the view, and the ball hit her right in the forehead on the fly and from 200 yards out, i heard the gallery around the green in the distance go -- oh! [ laughter ] but the ball bounced off her forehead, it rolled through the sand and up on to the green, about this close to the flag and i heard the gallery from about 200 yards out go -- awww. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you played it off her head. >> yeah, i played it off her head. >> jimmy: yeah. smart move. >> so i was very concerned. >> jimmy: yeah. >> you know? so i went up to the woman i
said, are you all right? and she goes yeah, but you better put me on the "today show." she thought i was matt lauer. >> jimmy: no. oh my god. she deserved a little tap in the noggin, huh? >> i said i'm not -- no. i said, okay, yeah, you can be on the "today show." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i want to talk about this aol web series. "laugh lessons with kevin nealon." what a great idea. does ellen degeneres produces it. >> co-producing with ellen degeneres, yeah. >> jimmy: and it's you, it's comedians, teaching kids. >> the art of comedy. >> and it's interesting, because you don't know if a kid can, is born funny or can be taught to be funny. >> jimmy: yeah. >> and how they can deal with it in their life. you know, solving problems. >> jimmy: absolutely. >> so we've had a lot of great comics. we had sarah silverman in, dana carvey, david spade, chelsea handler. >> jimmy: oh cool. >> a lot of great, adam sandler was there. >> jimmy: no way. >> yeah. >> jimmy: that's just a great idea. >> david spade. >> jimmy: really? >> adam sandler was there. uh, chelsea handler. >> jimmy: yeah. >> it goes on and on and on. >> jimmy: yeah. >> david spade. >> jimmy: david spade was there. >> and sometimes. >> jimmy: adam sandler. >> when you get the uh --
chelsea handler. you get these comics in the room with these kids. >> jimmy: like which comics? >> well like david spade. >> jimmy: yeah. >> adam sandler. >> jimmy: oh i love those guys. >> sarah silverman. >> jimmy: i love her. >> drew carey. >> jimmy: fantastic. drew carey. >> did i mention drew carey? >> jimmy: no. >> yeah. george lopez. >> jimmy: george lopez too? >> yeah, and, drew carey. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: and drew carey. there's a lot of people. >> sometimes when these kids, when they're with the kids, you don't know who's more immature. >> jimmy: yeah. >> the kids or the comics. >> jimmy: yeah, exactly. well that's it. playing around. like, what, for instance what comics, maybe? >> well today like dana carvey or david spade. >> jimmy: yeah. >> or sarah silverman. >> jimmy: i love her stuff. [ laughter ] i want -- >> oh, oh, chelsea handler is on the show too. >> jimmy: i miss her. you can see her in this. >> she teaches the kids sarcasm. >> jimmy: she'd be good at it. >> yeah. >> jimmy: i want to show everybody a clip of this, this new aol series, "laugh lessons with kevin nealon." and go see him at caroline's on broadway this thursday night. >> oh funny, funny, funny. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: talking about you. talking about you, you're funny, yeah. >> you like kids don't you? i mean, this isn't like a pain
for you to do? >> uh, no, no, it's not a pain. i actually secretly like kids. >> kids have no idea of how old somebody is. >> i know. girls i date don't know, either. here's one trick i do. it's called highballing someone. watch how we do it. hey, do you get an allowance. >> yes, i have some money saved. >> a couple thousand? >> not a thousand yet. >> aww. that's still good. see what i did there? what happens is, i guess really high, and then whenever you say the real number, you feel dumb. ask me. say you must have a million dollars. >> you must have a million dollars. >> i do. [ laughter ] that doesn't work with me. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: he is a good man. >> he is. >> jimmy: that's my pal kevin nealon right here everybody. go check him out, aol. go see him at caroline's, right here in new york city. i want to thank mark wahlberg, steve carell, the roots, everybody, right there. and of course kevin nealon. stay tuned for "late night with seth myers." thank you for watching. have a great night. hope to see you tomorrow, bye-bye! [ cheend